bloodstone power

 i have a hi 8 camera. i love it to death i went through the tape that was in it. lots of fun memories. and then you were on it talking to it by yourself. i put the camera away i cry

 so i almost died.  for a moment i felt like i really did. it was really calm and peaceful and the usual shit people say when they’ve almost met their maker, but it was nice. i woke up for some reason knowing i was in a hospital and pretty badly hurt. my brain remembered i was in a car crash and i was completely unconscious for about week because of the damage my brain took along with all the drugs i was on.  i remember coming back into my brain, and it all hit me. i stayed as calm as i could and looked down at my legs, and let out the biggest sigh of relief when i realized i still had both of them. god bless the surgeons. obviously i was prescribed pain medication, the heavy shit…the good shit. as a person who has only ever taken advil and is deathly afraid of weed this is a completely new experience, as was the traumatic situation i just went through. my recovery is starting to become a bit of a blur now and ive only been home for about a month. the past 3 months have b...

i’m gonna be extremely honest rn and admit that to a certain extent i was peer pressured into smoking nicotine. started when i was around 19 with the trend of vapes and easy access to them at the time it was the coolest thing ever to me because i just enjoy being able to physically hold something and being “old enough” to just carry it around and not being told that i couldn’t have it. in a sense, i felt like a grown up as stupid as it sounds. so naturally i also tried cigarettes, just because it was around and i had just always grown up seeing people smoke and of course in all of my favorite movies there was just always cigs.  now this will sound like extreme cap but i can honestly say that i was never addicted to these vices. i can easily not smoke for weeks or months at a time and be fine. i have no family members who are addicts to anything other then the occasional beer which isn’t any better but i mean im mexican cmon.  when i arrived back home finally after i was sent h...

 i am literally writing this as i eat a burrito at 3 am after reflecting on how my body used to feel. not in a “body shaming” sense (if that is even the right thing to say) but more of a feeling ig.   they say comparison, robs people of happiness. this is the realest thing i’ve eva heard fr. im aware this living shit is nothing but choices and consequences but to judge everyone so harshly on these things is so mean. i of course mean human mistakes. if u are a murderer, pedo, racist, and the smiths enjoyer then u deserve the judgement. (kidding) But i have to remember that this is literally everyone’s FIRST time living. so just fucking relax. i do miss you. but now my scars are a reminder of what i am capable of doing to myself. i long for who i was before these metal plates but i need to be more accepting of who i am now.  it’s okay to cry - johnny u