that first hit

i’m gonna be extremely honest rn and admit that to a certain extent i was peer pressured into smoking nicotine. started when i was around 19 with the trend of vapes and easy access to them at the time it was the coolest thing ever to me because i just enjoy being able to physically hold something and being “old enough” to just carry it around and not being told that i couldn’t have it. in a sense, i felt like a grown up as stupid as it sounds. so naturally i also tried cigarettes, just because it was around and i had just always grown up seeing people smoke and of course in all of my favorite movies there was just always cigs. 

now this will sound like extreme cap but i can honestly say that i was never addicted to these vices. i can easily not smoke for weeks or months at a time and be fine. i have no family members who are addicts to anything other then the occasional beer which isn’t any better but i mean im mexican cmon. 

when i arrived back home finally after i was sent home for my rehabilitation hospital after my crash and multiple surgeries, one of my friends let me have a hit of his vape. i happily took the hit and marveled at how far i’ve come after this traumatic experience that i had just had and was filled with joy. however, it was shortly lived. my lungs started to feel like they were being expanded and stabbed from the inside. what felt like cramps were slowly getting more and more aggressive. i was hurting, scared, and concerned because i didn’t want my friends to feel bad or worry to much. i felt i had already put them through so much so this just felt very embarrassing to me as well. finally after a few minutes of feeling like my lungs were about to collapse, one of my friends recommended i lay down and stretch my arms. it ended up helping a lot and i felt normal again.

now…even after all that, i find myself here at 7 in the morning wishing i can go outside and burn a fucking stogey and take it straight to the dome piece. 

i’ve been an absolute mess this passed week and i do not want to burden anyone i care about. something about those first embers lighting up after the flame hits the tobacco just sounds super sexy to me and i want nothing more than to experience it right now.

im scared it’ll hurt or ill fuck myself up even worse, but goddammit do i feel like i deserve it.

- johnny u