fiend

 so i almost died. 

for a moment i felt like i really did. it was really calm and peaceful and the usual shit people say when they’ve almost met their maker, but it was nice. i woke up for some reason knowing i was in a hospital and pretty badly hurt. my brain remembered i was in a car crash and i was completely unconscious for about week because of the damage my brain took along with all the drugs i was on. 

i remember coming back into my brain, and it all hit me. i stayed as calm as i could and looked down at my legs, and let out the biggest sigh of relief when i realized i still had both of them. god bless the surgeons.

obviously i was prescribed pain medication, the heavy shit…the good shit. as a person who has only ever taken advil and is deathly afraid of weed this is a completely new experience, as was the traumatic situation i just went through.

my recovery is starting to become a bit of a blur now and ive only been home for about a month. the past 3 months have been filled to the brim with the weirdest, saddest, and most painful moments i’ve ever had in my entire life…and the oxy was there for me.

i had so much support from my family and friends but it pains me to say that nothing felt better than those pain meds at the time.

now here i am, 3 months out on recovery with an empty bottle of oxy next to me and i feel like tearing my skin off piece by piece. i feel like a stupid pile of shit. i have been off of my pain meds for only 2 days and it has been agony. i wake up feeling like i am on mt everest but my insides feel like i’m in death valley. i can’t stop sweating and i have been going from my bed to my bathroom all day. i have been crying my eyes out and filled with so much anxiety i could probably roll myself into my own body. i am longing for a person that is no longer in my life that i know isn’t good for me but just desperately need that person to help me feel vulnerable and safe. i want to be able to shove myself into their arms to make myself feel safe and tell everything is going to be okay. 

i am suffering from withdrawals.

i need it

i need to hold someone

i want someone to hold me

i’m scared

i miss you

help me

- loser


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