bed rot

been feeling the agonizing pain of not having a foundation to stand on. 
everything falls apart very easily and the thing that i had to lean on is no longer there. even though the wall i once had was covered in spikes and only hurt me, it was a weird comfort knowing it was there. i miss the wall and floor i once had but not the pain which i know isnt a crazy observation but its nice to finally process how this all feels. 
every room feels empty.
every bite of food makes me feel more hungry.
every social interaction makes me feel more alone.
i see no clear path that i am supposed to follow which is ironic because that used to feel good to me.
i would just “go where the wind takes me” but now even the wind scoffs in my face.
i feel like all i’m doing at this point is wasting air.
i want to be emotionally vulnerable with somebody or even with family but i don’t know if id be able to handle the weight of their eyes. 
it all seems so pointless. 
why was i given a second chance. i’ve been told it’s a miracle but i am now i feel as if it’s a punishment. 

ive tried so hard to be the most caring and kind person i could possibly be and respect everyone around me. it sounds corny but it’s truthfully never worked out for me. i feel like it has only led people to take advantage of me and belittle my heart

god i miss you so fucking much. i want you to hurt me.
again
and again
and again
and again

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